My stomach hurts. Do you ever get that? When you go all red. Your palms sweat. You feel so warm. And your stomach is just KILLING you inside. I get it all the time. It started last year. At first it was just once or twice a week but now I get it every day.
My mum says it's nerves. She tells me how she and her sister used to get it. My aunty STILL gets like that apparently. I guess you just have to learn to live with it... When I sit near the front in class is usuakkt when it's at it's worst. What if people laugh at me? Or stare? What if they all make fun of me? I feel so insecure!
Why?! Why does this happen to me?!
To be honest, I don't think it would ever have been this bad if I hadn't been bullied in 1st year. I don't think I would even be the person I am today. I hate what I am. I'm always such a bitch to everyone. It's probably why I only have one friend left. It sucks. I know if I tried then I could make friends. But I just don't see the point anymore. I don't want fake friends who only need me when there's no one else. I don't want friends who go out and bitch about me behind my back...
So there's no point in trying. And I certainly don't want to take someone away from their friends and get in between friends. I've done that before by accident. Never again. It's too much.
I've also lost my faith in God. I pray when I can. I thank God for things. I ask for help. For advice. But I am never answered. I don't see the point in believing in something that isn't real.
I've made up my own religion. No gods. Yet... Just rules, beliefs, etc. Reincarnation for example is one of the main beliefs. I have really just taken different aspects, properties and ideas that I like from religions. It makes me feel independent. There is also no praying included whatsoever. Praying doesn't appeal to me.
I still don't have a name for it all yet. I shall brood over it later...
Got to get ready for Drama and get some dinner now so goodnight. :)
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